A.L.O.N.E

There comes a moment in one's life , one when realises that he has to fight his battle for survival alone. The friends on which i had counted on my past , either betrayed me because i could not match up to their "so called" high standards or they moved on in life. I know that this feeling has some thing to do deep inside my head , may be the neurons are exercising a lot , and they need some rest....or may be they have emerged out of the smoke screen which was built because of my own whim's and fancies..............

So why the hell do i need to be with someone ??..... i had always though that living alone and focusing on my career goal; would bring happiness to me ....though i took a longer path to achieve my aim ...but i can surely bet it was worth the effort .... but now a felling of loneliness has begun to bite me deep inside.... though i have i achieved success , but it has come at a cost ...a cost where i have no one to share my success with , may be i don't feel the need as i always thought the whole world was perhaps against me ...or may be it was the driving force , which i myself created to accelerate on towards my target (some physics fundaas.....).. .People say that happiness is inside you , but what the hell ... haven't been able to retrieve it...and i am sorry none of data mining stuff works here...

My "so called" friends say that i have changed , i have become more reclusive and introvert .. i hardly log into the stupid "gtalk" once in 20 days ... and that too talk to one of my closest friends (i know he would get a clue when i force him to read this .... ) .. well i dont feel the need to waste my time on this crappy messenger where people unnecessarily ping you ...why the hell do i need to answer them . I find more solace in reading "multivariate chebyshev inequality" than all this stuff.I realise that it's good to move on in life and forget your past .. but whenver i try to do it . it comes back haunting in my dreams .. people like should realise that everyone moves on in life , the realtionships you had developed also transcend up and down ( mostly it was down in my case)...but deep inside my head i should realise that may be it's for my good ....others have their own life and i should not impose myselves on them and i also expect that they do the same ... may be it's all in between the ears.... I need to realise that i am what i am and dont' expect to live the life of others .... as my friend tells ... "you should start enjoying life!!" ...... i would surely take his cue....

I know that i have written this post haphazardly without paying due to the single point i wanted to say .. may be its a reflection of my mind .... i think a lot, and to stop it.. and start doing things which take away my boredom.... i had bulit this feeling that one is happy with so many friends around talking with them ... hours and hours on phone ... but in the end you achieve nothing out of it ....... perhaps these few lines cover the jist that i have some how failed to put through this post....

In ode to the sweet sands of time,

I hear a promise made by a friend of mine:

Vast as may be the distances to gain,

She will turn back time to come meet me again.

Whiffs of this gale will revisit my memory,

But will carry with them a scathing accessory.

Yet when I take a fond trip down the memory lane,

I‘ll want to trace back my steps and come meet you again

But then you realize………………………

When you look around you, you are all A.L.O.N.E …………………………

Truly a Penalty!!!

Penalties in football are the only way out to separate two teams,both of them having given their blood and soul for 120 minutes to win the coveted title.The drama and the agony associated with the shootout is what attract millions of viewers all around the world praying for their teams victory.For me the purpose of shootout is to seek out fools rather than heroes,the fools on whom the responsibility of the loss can be pinned,One can become a zero from a hero in fraction of second.

This is what happened in this years champions league final,when Mr chelsea,John Terry missed a spot kick which took away the champions league trophy from his hand..the kick which would always weigh down on his shoulders, till he redeems himself with the champions league title. Though he wasn't the only one who missed the penalty,but we will still remember him rather that ronaldo and anelka , because he was expected to be the torch bearer of chelses ,mr dependable and what not.....

The pain could be clearly seen in the eyes of a player .. who missed the trophy by a whisker..a player who cried when manchester united lifted the trophy...may be it was fitting on the 50th death anniversary of the busby babes, a team which promised so much for United..may be they were playing with them on that night at Moscow.The image which would always strike my mind would be of bobby charlton receiving the first winner medal(though he refused to wear it) on behalf of his team mates who left the world on a dreaded night at Munich....

Penalty shootouts are truth of life also, like in the game of football you get one opportunity to prove yourself , though it's more than fraction of a second(it may be 2-6 hrs). The opportunity which can make or break your dream. If you fail to realize this one moment, then life can haunt you till you res eruct it back ... which can be painful. The moment one realises that an opportunity is missed , he will stand in front of the world stripped of one's pretensions and conceit, it will leave you helpless and show the image that you hoped no one will ever notice.One is forced to stand Naked,bereft of ones self esteem and at the mercy of others...But still the life has to go on , so what happens next ??? One is thrown at a place forced by the whims of his dear ones to build his life again .. a place where one is least interested to go, feels like a big hole, that one is crawling to get out of it ...though others make it sure to pull you down..a place where one knows that he is smarter and more intelligent than his peers, but there aren't any opportunities to prove one's worth ... may be it's a penalty for not fulfilling your talent and expectations...But this world does provide with more motivation to get the hell out of here , so one works twice as hard... sacrificing all the pleasures in life...all the comforts ... to pursue his dreams....and how satisfying it is when the whole world realises your talents (though somewhat late)....and you shut many mouths in this process........

Life throws a PENALTY at you , which can be reversed for sure ... and i am sure Mr Chelsea would do the same....

It's been an Year .....

Thought i would never write such senti (aadat par gayi hai ab to)posts, but then i am giving away my inhibitions or wiping away the smoke that i have built over the past one year , pretending that i am happy being alone and independent , being somewhat indifferent to the feelings of my family members and relatives ..(as if i was ever concerned ).

Circa , July 3rd 2007 .. it perhaps is the day which has changed my life forever and for my good. I was bit apparent coming here , coz i had never been away from my family for 23 long years of my existence on earth .... or technically 22 , coz i did stay away from them during the year before ... but i did return to them in 4-5 days ....A sense of vacuum or a feeling of emptiness did develop inside me , during my early days of stay here .... i always thought (and still think) that Delhi is far better that bombay anyday ......i don't damn care about the night life in this city coz i hardly have one ... but the twists and turns of lutyens and bakers lane can never be eclipsed by the scenic beauty of marine drive or the the so called crowd at the bandstand. Mumbai might make people happy , independent and wealthy ... but to me it's a strange city ... a city where no one has time for anyone ... a city where people go into church gate station like swarms of bees ... , some how i do feel that i never belong to this place and never will.

But , then mumbai is called the city where you can make your own destiny for nothing , be it the bollywood or the financial hub , millions have made their fortunes in the city ... and perhaps i am no different .. but then my fortunes have come in the field of academics .. so be it . Before coming here i took things for granted , a sense of complacency had set in me ... which prevented me in fulfilling my potential to the fullest .. but being here away from my parents and loved ones a sense of emptiness did strike me .. and the best thing to get out of it was to devote my self to my passion of ...... u all can guess by now ....bloody ......ALGORITHMS .....:) .

I did feel some kind of independence here .. away from the constant bantering of my parents and relatives ...as if every move of mine was being scrutinized to the fullest ....( those crappy associations which i had last talked about ...) , but coming here i felt free to do whatever i wanted to do... In my present day i have become less opinionated ... not caring about others ... and somewhat selfish ... always weighing in the pros and cons for better of my self.... This has moved me away from my parents .... though i was never that close... i have never told them about the difficulties that i am facing , always trying to get out of it myself 's ... I generally do discuss about topics related to my career with them ... but never have felt the need to go into more of the details.... some how think that a distance has remained that i have never tried to abridge... for some odd reason ..which i have never understood and may be i never will. I don't care much about the things going in my house .... having built a cocoon around me ... always end up fighting with my father ..on any issue .. may it be Indian Hockey (his passion) or if it concerns me ....My mom does understand me somewhat ..(being a psychologist does help :)) .. she can make out by my face ... my happiness and disappointments ... but she observes me ....most of the time without interfering in my stubborn opinions ....she knows i am opinionated, but i do look forward to that day when she comes to know about my blogs :) .... i hope she won't be shocked or horrified ...( God save me !!!).

My parents always complain that i don't end up calling them for 7-10 days .. somehow don't feel the need to talk to them ...to tell them everything in going in my life .... perhaps it's the reason they don't know me ... or my friends too well ....they do know about some of my literary abilities..but then i have never felt the need in revealing this side to them ... perhaps i don't want them to be worried about me .. that much ....coz may be i am not that worried about them ...In the last one year i have developed the confidence to handle and resolve most of my problems .. and i want them to be happy coz some how i do feel that i have taken them for granted ..(most of us do that) .. so it's better that i don't tell them my difficulties if i can't share with them their's.

Barring all this i do think that i have the best dad , the best mom and best sis that there can be in this world and i am thankful to them for bearing with an eccentric son like me. For long i have worried them with my sudden and strange whims , but they have gladly faced them all.The times when my friends were made their parents proud by taking their first job , i was busy searching for my destiny, i hadn't been easy if i hadn't got their support and encouragement. They deserve an applause !!! I will be grateful to them till i exist.......

Bonferroni's gyaan

so Ladies and Gentlemen(if any) i am back with more of the "geek" gyaan ... that i somehow can associate with real life situations.... got this extraordinary ability to link theory with practicality of life ...(ya i know most of you would envy me !!)........

In short this is Bonferroni's so called principle............

if you look in more places for interesting patterns than your amount of data will support, you are bound to find crap....

so all the men will quite agree with this ... when they take their loved ones or so called their female "friends" .....( we all are tired of hearing the cliche statement , oohh.. we are just friends) .. out for shopping.Bonferroni's gyaan fits perfectly in this situation ... all the men have suffer the ordeal ... when the ladies ... just can't find enough of their passion for shopping , they go around and around mining for stuff ... that would even put the mining algorithm of used by Google to sleep ....zzzzzzzzz..., but then men can't even utter a single word in front of them ... though a volcano full of lava .. would be erupting in their minds for sure ... praying that the ordeal will get over soon,, promising to themselves that they would never come accompany in this shopping spree.... but all they can say in front of her is "anything for you ma'am" ..........

I also had the privilege of accompanying one of my friends to her shopping spree's on an eventful Sunday at phoenix lifestyle in mumbai .... though i was blessed with the fact that two of my good friends were also there .... nahi ..to i would have also joined the long list of martyrs ... who were blessed with such experiences of there .....thank god for that .... Now no words can describe the path or the journey we took ........on this auspicious day ..... even Dijkstra the designer of the shortest path .. problem would have pulled his hair out ... by looking at our adventures ,when hopping from one store to another ..... and surprisingly in the end ... she bought none of the stuff she was looking for ... surprising ???? ....Naaahaa....

Jokes apart .....(b'coz i am going to get a real bashing when i make her read this stuff) .... , Bonferroni's principle which i took up from web mining is applicable in our real life too.... , many of us would have felt at some stage in our life .. that we think too much . collect too much of information .. analyze it by using those crappy statistical tools and... in the end we infer our noble prize winning discovery ...which turns out to be crap...... . The best word the , the so called gyaan gurus have given is the "strategy"... writing realms of pages on how you can be successful , rich and powerful in this world... but if reading biographies of great people would have been the solution ... then all of us would be great and successful ... pity it's not the case ... So reading those crappy stuff for motivation .... is not the solution to your problems , coz what they did was to take risks ...which ultimately resulted in success for them .... they did not follow any so called blue ocean strategy ...... to reach their goals ... So the best thing is to clear all the clutter inside your brain ... without trying to look in for associations ....and patterns ....the best thing would be keep it straight and simple ..without much of the complications ...in life ( ya i am not that gyaan guru ... but can relate it from personal experiences.........).. the following lines from a song in Taare Zammen Par .. would sum up my thoughts.......


Tujh Mein Agar Pyaas Hai
Baarish Ka Ghar Bhi Pass Hai
O, Roke Tujhe Koi Kyon Bhala
Sang Sang Tere Aakash Hai

Ye meri kahani...........

No, its not that i have reached the end of my life , having accomplished everything ...., but surely i am at a state in my journey where i can look back and dwell upon the past five or six years. The following piece of Pseudo code( can't think of another term!!) bundled with the Aerosmith number best captures my journey .........

do
{
Dream on..............
} until , your dream comes true;

Ya .... for all the geeks would say that it's not the exact syntax of the do-while construct, but i am not trying to make readers learn any programming language. And for all the morons and non-geeks who don't understand even a bit .... it's a vicious loop that you have to enter irrespective of whether one wants or not .... The best escape route could be to surpass this loop and continue this journey of yours. But i did enter this loop ... at a very early stage of my life ... ever since i was able to spell my name .... though the "dream" always kept on changing.

In the early stage ... the dream was about getting good numbers in class ... to finish in the top three in the school ....which i somehow managed by FLUKE!. Then the dream reached higher orders of madness , to graduate from the best engineering college in the country .... that failed at the last hurdle .... but this failure spurred me on to think even more ...... transcending all the limits that one could do..... I started living it through the web pages of people i used to be fascinated with ...... their accomplishments of having published some 30 odd research papers on my favorite topic ALGORITHMS and OPTIMIZATION. The proofs, lemmas and the results fascinated me ...or you could say inspired me to dream on..... further and further ..... , some how felt if two scholars could revolutionize the way we search for information on the internet ... then given iota of a chance .. i could also replicate a fraction of their work.......

This fascination ... did urge me on towards studying papers and courses .. which were never supposed to be part of my UG curriculum , in the hindsight it proved out to be a good move .. whose benefits i am able to reap now....... I can boast , that i am a pretty good analyser of such stuff now.... But some how feel that i should have used these abilities in my practical life too. Problems could have been tackled with the same analysis as any theoretical design problem....perhaps the approach was not right ... In order to solve my problems , i used the easy approach of GREEDY ALGORITHM ANALYSIS , though the intention was to produce the result easily ...... the complexity in the worst case was high .... which always marred my progress further .... or in a layman's language ... the journey from point A to B ..... was not carried in a shortest distance possible .. i always somehow managed to route my journey via point C, ( Some how the fundas ... of displacement ..had stuck to me for long.. :) ..).

The best approach would have been to use a DIVIDE and CONQUER approach ... to divide my problems and conquer my fears... though these approach required many resources ... coz a recursive costs add to your solutions..... but the resources in this case were more time and effort .. which i could have managed... if i look back now....... Enough of this looking back business .... coz time cant really come back ... so after a really sorry and sad post ... which i had written some time back ... and got lots of choice words ... from a dear one .... i decided to look somehow positive in life .... NO the dreaming did not stop .... but the dream went to the background .... and the small aspects of life were PAGED into the .....my RAM (limited though) ...... these were always kept in the back store ... and never did i transfer them to the faster memory (RAM). Perhaps studying OS(operating systems) ...... was also useful :).... hough i wished i had followed this approach a little earlier ..... So after following this approach ...... i did start to enjoy the small aspects which i had somehow forgotten ..... the results were good ... may be my memory was refreshed after flushing out the PAGES .... which had stuck in it for ever................


So finally the dream .... is getting a picture of some sort ......surely i would be able to fulfill it in the coming months ......... just praying for it.........

PS: this one's for the numerologists and the astrologers..... , who the hell says 13 and 99 are unlucky ...?? remember it's us who make the numbers ..... numbers don't make us .........

For Akbar's Sake ,Please...............

So after an eventful sunday , on which i wasted the whole day on a doomed movie , did not have the courage and the will to write a review on JODHA AKBAR. Feeling priveleged that SAURAV has decided to contribute to my blog , by pening down the ordeal we all suffered on a fateful sunday. So here goes the review.................. thanks to Saurav once again

I couldn’t recall last where I had been let down so much. All the hype and hoopla surrounding Jodhaa Akbar had fizzed out in a 3:30 hrs ordeal.
Wondering what Mr. Gowariker could have done differently, I was in a fix!!
Hrithik hadn’t let us down yet again. He is one of those guys who will give up his 100% , no matter how substandard the script is, remember the string of flops that followed Kaho na pyaar , there wasn’t one film where the boy faltered.
Ash was her usual self ..’’All handwriting and no content”( Mahesh Bhatt in one of the umpteen interviews on television). Although, I guess we appreciate her that way. But age/marriage seems to have taken a toll on her,
boys- figure it thats out that for yourself!!
There wasn’t any problem with Ashutosh’s direction either.
Well quite clearly there wasn’t enough meat in the story.
A poor script!! Mr Gowariker had never faltered in this area of film making before.
To put the record straight,
But for the grandeur and scale , it would have been a soap opera running for at least
1000 eposides.
Hey did Ekta Kapoor pounce on that idea!!
A grumpy mother in law played by a hapless Ila Arun, well we never knew she could act also!!
A marriage of compromise and subsequent saas – bahu “nok-jhoks”.
Remember that salubrious meal, it already had few lips reaching out for it,
Anand and Vikas suddenly had their stomachs doing a “Ding a Dong…”
The director started with a noble cause but somewhere he seemed to have lost the track. The war scenes were presented with panache, but hey hold on!! There was hardly any fact to the story…
What is the fuss that these Rajputs are trying to create when there was hardly any fact or to put it simply…
It was fiction all the way with doses of History interspersed here and there!!
The producers seemed to have cashed on the name of Akbar…Well its paying dividend too!!…The movie is running to nearly packed horses all over the country.
Ever thought where to spend your dad’s 80 bucks in case u plan for this movie ..
I have a few suggestions for u..
To start with .. A laconic bargain with one of the college side vendors for a high octane Novel , and I would have my food and fodder for the next few days.
A HOT Cappuccino with Miss Wadhwa ( subject to permission from her bhaiya!!)..Stop dreaming, u idiot!!
Yeah, how do I miss out on those humorous anecdotes by Vikas, perhaps the only saving grace of the film.
DISCLAIMER: Those jokes were purely Non-Veg!!

IPL:The great indian circus

so ...20th feb was a historic day for indian cricket , when the corporate honchos splurged cash as if liquor was flowing all around the HILTON towers in mumbai (may be vijay mallaya's presence had some influence).At the end of the 10 hour CIRCUS (yes ,it was this only) ....and after spending 160 crores ... the likes of preity zinta , shahrukh khan ....justified there new found love for the game of CRICKET......(preity even remembered the 76 runs yuvi had scored on feb 19 )......:)...Now they may all be banking on the euphoria of india's 20-20 world cup win last September....but seriously ,there seems to be no logic on the kind of cash they have spent.

First the concept of IPL is somewhat flawed, they are banking on the city loyalty of supporters to help promote the league.Let's assume it may come true , though its highly unlikely .....i would never support brett lee knocking the stumps out , when sachin tendulkar is batting , no matter if lee is in my team ....but lets accept some morons ....passionately follow their cities , then would the live telecast attract only the city loyalists ?? ...This question seems to have no answers ... it's like a double edge sword to me .........

Second .... the way players were auctioned ... it was as if some commodity auction was going on at the chrsitie's or the sothebey's ...how can one treat players like that....they have some preferences ... on their price , for which city they want to play for ...but lalit modi's dream baby seemed to forget all these aspects and only concentrated on the moolahaaa.......

Third , some of the selections made mere even mind bobbling .....ricky ponting getting less than the one match (some 10 ball wonder ) manoj tiwari......, what was the rational for such selections ..if they went for marketing .....then it would have been better for the franchisees to select film stars instead of cricketers....They would amassed more money for them......because cricketing skills were not the criteria for selection..........There are some more issues which make it's viability somewhat circumspect... what if they never get a clear window for the IPL , then it would become a domestic 20-20 championship of local indian players. without international stars , you won't be able to find 80 odd domestic cricketers of the level and quality desired to attract the crowds..............

They want to follow the EPL model , but they seem to have forgotten that teams in EPL play all around , IPL will just last for 50 odd days ........football world cup comes in four years ...where as the nine test playing nations have a regular playing schedule all around the year...so the notion of associating players and fans with the city is highly unlikely....and the last point of contention is the format 20-20 ..it's like pyjama cricket to me ...with all hype and little substance.. it cannot produce the drama that sydney test produced....the verbal banter between the players ... three wickets in an over by michael clarke .......so spectators who seriously follow cricket ...and appreciate its quality would never accept this format........

BCCI and corporate world seems to be riding around 1.7 billion dollars on the back of the , fluke win in the 20-20 world cup final...all the best to them....but i see little light at the end of the TUNNEL.