A Thought....

Today while returning back from work, i was thinking what lies ahead for me in the coming months. Either i can continue with the same routine or take a drastic step that can completely change my surroundings for the major chunk of my adulthood. Perhaps the decision involves many stakeholders, it's not always easy to only concentrate on yourselves, your desires and wishes... but feelings of others do matter.

I have always taken decisions which i felt were good for me..often shunning the criticism that i have faced about them. It's easy to take them while you are 18 something..but as you grow older decisions can have after effects which can be influential down the road. The though process has undergone a radical transformation over the past few days. The feeling to prove oneself has completely gone out of the window, because i have realized there are smarter asses than me all over the world and try as much, i can never be at par with them. So why not enjoy what you have got rather than go after something that's like chasing a mirage. Your core strength's determine your well being...some day i have to stop chasing goals. I know i am contradicting my self considering what i wrote in my last post, but the feeling to stop and enjoy my present state is stronger than it was ever before.

The eternal optimist in me is perhaps starting to betray me. It's part of the effort to change, that i am seriously contemplating to be more regular on my blog..I only wrote when i was frustrated, lonely and had to vent out my anger but one can easily express themselves on topics which have been always close to my heart but i never felt to talk about them. Writing helps me to put together my thoughts in a rational manner, be more articulate and perhaps improve my pathetic writing skills. It's not enough to be good at your own work, the power to express your self is important. In the past i have lost so many times with friends because i was not able to put down my problems in front of them. In the quest to achieve more and more i have failed to keep up with most of my old pals.

Conversations are important as they help you to put down your points, sitting alone can become frustrating after a while. They help you to discover parts of life that have been kept aside or lost in translation. The undiscovered or unprocessed side of your life can bring major surprises and shocks to oneself. It' no use of being timid and taking things as they come, one should be able to express his or her opinion about it. No one should take you for granted.

I have no idea where i started in this post or where i am going to end, perhaps it's the state of my mind. I agree the rant is still there though i have tried to suppress it... It's not easy doing that... perhaps things can and will change...

Magic and Reality....

It always has been the case that i put in my best efforts on things i love doing. Remarkably over the past eight months i have enjoyed each and every moment that i have spent at my workplace, having the privilege to interact with best of the brains that i have met. Though it's a different aspect that i never wanted be in this city as part of my assignment, mumbai still beckons me and hope i will be there one day.

Dreams are part of one's folklore, the struggles to achieve them and then aiming a tad higher. Perhaps I can never be satisfied in a state, transition is mandatory as in the case of automata theory :)... I dont have any hint regarding the decision with i have to take by April mid...but hell i am not worried about it at this juncture of life..because i have realised that i have never achieved my goals by thinking about them. I had the best time in my life when i stopped thinking about the outcomes of my decisions.

So whats fascinating about my work life, well i can go back to my home after work and read about child hood idols the poincare's, riemann's and abel's. Mathematics to me has been the essence of my survival over the most stormy passages that i have experienced. It took my concentration away from the troubles and problems that i had to face growing up. My parents are still worried about this wastage of my precious time, when i should be socializing and going out with my friends ...(i hardly have any in delhi)...In the hindsight this unnecessary reading about the great works have helped me to be more rational, and solve some of the toughest lemmas, conjectures and hypothesis in computer science. Theoretical CS is 99% maths to me. The magic of turning machines, P Space and PCP have always fascinated me, right from the time i had laid my hands on them.

As for the reality..... you can imagine that being lost in this world can have ramifications in other aspects of your life, perhaps none greater than expressing yourselves in front of others, socializing with them. Though i have never considered them to be that important but i have started to realize that its' essential for one to move out of his comfort zone and look at at the other side with open eyes. I have serious problems in speaking publicly in front of a bunch of people. I have tried to look into this aspect over the past few months but i always have a feeling that certain things are not necessary for your audience ...and a certain level of intelligence is expected...but perhaps the best speakers are the one that can take everyone along with them. It's very easy to speak in front of people whom you are comfortable with, but what counts is the first impression you leave on people that you don't know... It has always been easy for me to type pages and pages of what i wanted to express...but never had the confidence to express them in front of others... some thing or the other always ended my disastrous journey. Perhaps i am still overawed by the occasion.......

I guess being satisfied after reading and understanding roughly 200 pages of perelman's proof of poincare's conjecture it not that healthy..:)

rt