My Namesake ...i am still searching

I was recently going through the paperback edition of "The Namesake", i had picked up at the airport ,though i never had the privilege to watch the film but perhaps the cover of the book ,depicting the photographs of the two main lead artists drew my attention towards it or you could say i was curious to read the story which the film critics had adorned in the film reviews of the leading Saturday dailies ,and now after finishing the whole book in a single day i think i had not wasted those 300 odd bucks of mine .

Somewhere i also feel connected to the central character "GOGOL" in the book ,though his father named him after nikolai gogol the russian author in a haste to get him released from the hospital ,i was registered under a name "daman" in my school records because my parents could not think of name starting with a letter "P" for four years after i was born and in a haste they stuck to my "good name" ,the name by which i am recognized today ,that's my identity ,i still wonder what would have been the feeling if i had a name starting with a "P" ,but perhaps unlike "GOGOL" it's the name i always wanted ,i made me feel different from my relatives who all had such big sikh names like my father's ,my mothers and my sister's.I felt i was unique.

I don't remember how old i was maybe in standard third... or fourth when a school teacher asked me the meaning of my name ,and frankly i had to answer to it ,my school mates out of sheer curiosity at that age wondered if i was named after the place "Daman & Diu" , and i went on great lengths to explain this was not the case .when i en quired about the origins of my names from my parents they said ,they gave me this good name because my cousin sibling ,three months older then me was named "aman", i felt as i was not important to them ,and they simply decided to give this name without even giving a thought over it .you could all understand the name aman is quite good it has a reason behind it ,it means one who brings peace and calmness but what does daman mean no one had a clue about it ,later i read in my hindi classes the sentence "gandhiji ne angrezzi samaaan ka daman kiya" means he wanted to boycott english goods ,then i wondered whom am i supposed to boycott ??? ,I cried that day and desperately wanted to change my name for once and final . My mom after a bit of fight wrote application to the principal that i wanted to change my name ,my father did make an affidavit supporting it ,when i was half way down the stairs to submit that application in the office ,some thing stopped me i don't know what was it ,perhaps i was scared i would have that big sikh name starting with "P" ,that i would loose my uniqueness among my relatives how difficult would it be tell to so many people about my name change ....after considering all these factors i decided not to change my name ..

The main reason behind was that the my name made me feel separated from my roots ,roots which i never felt to be part of ,was quite embarrassed in front of all my relatives ,hated to go those social gatherings which my father took me too where most of my relatives were not even graduates,never liked their discussions on the topics which i felt were absolutely absurd and that the world had moved and still they were stuck in the dark ages ,where they talked about the importance of looks of a boy and a girl not his or her talent in academics or other fields ,I would say that in spite of following all the religious followings of my religion , i never bother to go the Sikh temple we know as the "gurudwara" ,simply because i am an atheist and i have no problems in admitting it .

It was my name which helped me to have an illusion that i am away from my religion ,though some may think it to absurd it's actually true ,till date i have not bothered to understand the meaning of my name ,i like it for the above reason and it's only five letters long . I helps me as i have to blacken only five bubbles under my name in hundreds of OMR application forms i have filled till now,contrary to my sisters ten !

Motivation .........

Last week a friend of mine had a problem she wasn't able to motivate herself to study for her entrance exams ,and she wanted to know how do I motivate myself and i jokingly said to her "I was motivated by seeing the building of my undergraduate college ",i said it in jovial moos but then i realized it was actually true .

So how does one get motivated ???? well going by my experiences you get motivated by the things you love most or the things you hate most ,but in my case it was a combination of both .some say they get motivated by seeing their peers achievement ,their brothers and relatives....,some people have told me they get motivated for money (it's quite difficult though),some get motivated by seeing the stories of the brave one's in news and newspapers ,but the one thing you get motivated is the one which you put in tour heart and soul and never achieve it.

Coming back to my so called motivation story , i was most of all motivated by the place in which spent four years of my life ,constantly dragging my body every morning to that two hour bus journey to reach a place which was like a jail or kind of torture for me ,as soon as the DTC bus crossed the noida toll bridge a sense of disappointment was engraved in my place , i started to wonder "why am i going there?" ,"what wrong did i do those 9 hours of my JEE exam?" or perhaps "was i wrong to dream of IIT sitting in my DCE exams" and i screwed up that paper what ever it was ,these thoughts constantly crossed my mind while the bus crossed the bridge over the "nala" what we all know as the yamuna river ,it was quite a culture shock seeing noida in the first place i mean leave alone the hype of a few well built sectors that place was like going to a desert where houses have been stacked upon each other like matchboxes put on top of each other ,and when i could see the red brick building of my college through the bus window ,i said to my self "the hell is about to begin" ,well it started at 9 in the morning and went on till 5 in the evening ,entering that main gate i felt some one was pushing myself ,i never wanted to cross that line and enter the college ,but still i did perhaps to see my name on the notice board ,people knew me very well because of it .Either i was on the list of short attendance ,as they loved to put my name there or on the list showing the papers i had flunked in my second semester ,whatever all the faculty knew me by these traits ,perhaps this was my identity in their mind "A Boy who is always lost in his thoughts ,day dreaming and what not",but seriously speaking that place made me learn a lesson "you have to fight it out to reach your dream" and it made me more mellow,and practical in life .All i can say that it inspired me me get out of that place and showing that i wasn't day dreaming all the time ,and i had achieved something .

Returning back from college ,as soon as the bus entered Delhi a sense of relief was there in my mind ,that i am finally back from the jail though for only to return next day ,and as soon the bus reached my stop on the ring road of Delhi a big direction sign showed "IIT" ,perhaps it was the sign that made me live through those four years ,it was the thing i loved most,my parents thought i was nut about it , it was sheer madness but they could not take away a dream that i had ,seeing the main gate of IIT Delhi ,i felt happy there have been times when i had gone inside the campus for no reasons at all just to charge myself ,to get my self motivated and to bring an a realization that i have to work damn hard to be at this place ,just to see that place i changed my journey maps ,took buses that would pass in front of it although the time of my journey increased ,i know people say IIT isn't the everything but then those who are inside them don't realize that their's avast difference between the standards offered by them and other colleges ,hope our government does something to it ,they decided to give more autonomy to private institutions so that they increased their level barring a few ones rest of all have become a place where they train you for four years so that they serve as mass recruitment centers to hire software coolies for our so called "BIG IT" companies that call themselves as product development centers but they are nothing more than a place where people fake their accents to satisfy their so called clients in US , to tweak a banking software to fit into another bank .

Motivation is one thing that comes from within it can't be taught and not be given .if you dream big and then you have to prove yourself a few sacrifices here and there can help you achieve your happiness and your dream!

EXPECTATIONS !!is there a end i wonder

So here i am back after i puked out all my frustrations in my previous post,and got an honest opinion from many of my class mates about it ,though i never expected it seriously but at least i was able to put forward my opinions in front of my "so called" and true friends ,had a lot of arguments with a few people ,but it helped me to clear my stand in front of them ,what i truly feel about them .i could no longer live a life of being a hypocrite being sweet in front of them and lambasting them on their backs........anyways enough about the sad things there's some good news to give

It's result season and IIT JEE results are out (i know all of my readers had enough of it ),but there's a slight change in the script this time ,i did not give the exam (yee being 23 it would be shameful) but my sis did give it and she cleared it ,yesss yessss finally she was able to achieve a good rank in her first attempt ,that i could not in my three attempts ,and i was more happy than her for obvious reasons ,but then a feeling of guilt did strike me ,why the hell i was realizing my dream through her ,what right did i have to virtually force her to give JEE when she was more interested in pursuing a career in medicine ,it all boils down to the word EXPECTATION.

I did promise myself that i would never be like the whole world ,trying to follow the herd in her case ,as i did in my case , i would try to be rational but ultimately i did follow the flock in a blind manner .perhaps it's to do with the experiences i had in my life that are to be blamed ,in my school days in class XI an XII my mom expected me to be in iit ,pursuing my bachelors a dream which i never fulfill (though i hope a masters and doctorate from IIT will some what cover up for it).coming to a wider point of view ,there have been instances when people have landed up at the wrong place because they had to fulfill someone's expectations and ultimately they ruined there life for good, what i have realized in a short span of time is that the more you achieve more the expectations of people rise and its pretty hard to fulfill them .it's like climbing a ladder where one reaches at the top and suddenly asks himself "why the hell i am here??",we all decide to be in iit's iim's because the picture is rosy ,media hypes them and we try to prove that we are the best ,its about what others thing about ourselves ,we need to build an aura of invincibility around ourselves but soon many of us realize it wasn't the the smartest move we ever made ,for instance studying computer science is not all about making those beautiful power point presentations or that flashy graphics.

It's because of these expectations from others that we change our lifestyle,our thinking and what not,perhaps the best thing is to follow one's heart and not one's mind beacuse heart is correct in 99 out of 100 cases in life .if you aren't happy with what you are doing ,no amount of money can make you think that you are happy (i know many will argue that money is everything in life ,but surely it isn't) ,if you believe you can fulfill your dream then go for it ,even if one fails the experiences will make him a better person in life ,for instance i did prepare for JEE in my college first year and now i am bearing the fruits as that preparation helped me to improve my analytical skills immensely,so don't always try to fulfill expectations of the whole world ,because more than ninety nine percent of individuals aren't as intelligent as you are.

AND finally i did dump away my JEE admit cards of three years and those counseling letters from IIT after five years after my sis's JEE result because a dream is fulfilled (ohhh wait i again started to realize my dream through her ,kya karoooon i am like another human being )

I CAN'T HELP IT!!!!!!!!!! though changes are for good , I AM TRYYYYYYYIIING .......

GOOD FOR NOTHING----Haven't i heard it before

There have been a series of posts which i have written during the wee hours of the morning ,to take out my my anger and frustration,but ultimately i deleted them because i thought it will not be "politically correct" to express my views in this manner,as it will be considered as a timid act ,an action which will show that i am afraid to come out in open and speak in front of everyone ,but whatever everyone else says i am going ahead with this post .

Last week when i saw a documentary of lance Armstrong on TV ,there was an advertisement which answered his critics who have lambasted him over the years over the dope allegations ,that ad had just one answer to the question "What am i on???" and the response was "I am on my bike" ,and it was a fitting reply to his critics ,well i have heard some pretty good one liners against me "you re good for nothing" ,"you take life as a joke" ,"tumhara kuch nahi ho sakta " and the list can go on an on...........................................................,these are the challenges i have faced over a short span of my life .

Life is a constant struggle for as long as we keep battling forces that can be overcome with enough effort and resolve. But when you are brought down to your knees and kept there by a giant invisible hand that is simply impossible to throw off, you can finally give up. I keep imagining being beaten by Fate so roundly that I can then guiltlessly give up the Sisyphean struggle I go through all day, all week, all year. Every time I face a problem that looks as though it might just be too big for me, I come across a new one that makes the first one pale in comparison. But the day I allow myself to finally, absolutely give up on life, the future will cease to matter,so why not better fight them and prove that I AM GOOD.

Here i would like to mention a special note of thanks to my Under graduate college ,which frustrated me so much that it ultimately inspired me to achieve big ,and put a lid on mouth of people who had lambasted me disgraced me over the years ,one of the instance which i still remember was a teacher (i wouldn't like to take the name and spoil my blog) telling me after hearing my GATE score and rank

"It's no Big deal clearing GATE"

Yeaaaah sure it isn't a big deal getting a percentile in the top 99 ,it isn't a big deal undersatnding the complexity of algorithms,learning about P vs NP itssss too easy for him ,bcoz his so called favorite students never even had the courage to sit for the exam let alone clear it .........is some one listening???

Then i was told that i was mad about JEE (i gave it twice in my college) because i wanted a thappa or a mark ,but IIT's are much beyond a simple thappa in the life ,here you learn teachers don't shy away from teaching complexities of algorithms and not teaching how to dream in class ,you get to study the mathematics behind the graphic algorithms and not flying a bird ,drawing a tree (i guess there are enough graphic designers for this stuffff)

How can i forget about the so called future wanna be facchas preparing for cat ,and showing off to the world that they are preparing for it (some of them started from the first year itself) with goal IIMA , i wasn't against them but then you dont have to take your books in the lecture classes and show that you are preparing for cat (it is ridiculous) ,so coming to the cat story one needs to understand that only speaking english in a foreign accent does not make you a good manager ,there's DI and MATHS that you need to crack and you have to work for it ,it's no styyloooo lingo that will help here and there were certain individuals which i genuinely though would make it to the IIM's ,but as the fate decided i made it ,though i gave the boot to IIMK ,because i could afford to do soooo

I would not say that i haven't committed mistakes in life ,my flunking the second semester ,will still haunt me in my life , because i made my parents cry ,left myself disappointed but what i wanted to convey is that one should never judge a book by it's cover because unless and until you see what's inside it ,you would never come to know the true contents inside it ,so please stop forming opinions about individuals ,lambasting them ,disgracing them because there are comebacks in life ,and why always follow conventional ways to success when there are alternative ones and i am of the opinion that "when people say you can't do it,it's because they are not able to do it" so follow your heart and finally show that "WE ARE GOOOD FOR SOMETHING".

There have been a lot of individuals which have hurt me by their comments ,and many which became my friends after having achieved something in life (you are able to distinguish between true and fake friends in this scenario),told me my life is doomed an what not but in the end i am having the last laugh and not they ,and that's what is important.

The Class of 392 !!!

392,392 !!! it's the only thing i have remembered over the past four years of my college life ,because it's the only positive thing i can carry forward with me , morons who haven't been part of this bus journey would never appreciate the fact why we people are mad about this bus ,i have listened to comments like "aise bol rahe ho ki ye Mercedes ho " ,but still the emotions that have been attached to this bus journey will never be forgotten ,but this post is not about my feelings but the joy,sadness that we all as a part of 392 gang have shared over the past four years ,and this collage picture is a testimony to that ,its like a film script which hasn't seen the day of the light till now.

chalo ab is film ke 4 main characters hai with a special guest appearance to follow later on ,i will talk about all the main protagonists in detail ,I start from the picture at the top left hand corner and follow it (dont worry i will also put the fifth picture later)

so introducing the class of 392 :

ATIN --- there's only word which can describe him "practical" .He lives life as it comes ,with no past baggages ,knows how to get things get done by hook or crook ,takes to tensions in life and helps you whenever it is needed.over the past few years i have seen great leadership skills inculcating in him ,thanks to this bus journey (wo bhi ye accept karega).this guy was always at the forefront of all the quarrels that took place while travelling to noida from delhi and back ,kabhi bas kaharab ho jaati thi aachank se ,kabhi bus chalti hi nahi thi ,jo bhi ho he always knew how to get the things done ,i just wonder why aren't more people like him fighting for their rights ,including me ,but the one incident i would never forget was when a bunch of girls had to get down at AIIMS for it's annual fest and he agrees to guide them ,bas ussi time par i opened my big mouth and said "par tu to south ex mei utarta hai " ,i would never forget that moment , i nearly spoilt his golden opportunity.He's like the AAMIR KHAN of dil chahata hai for me ......bansalji i can always count upon you

BHARAT ---- and only one word describes him "loverboy",he's like the SAIF OF DIL CHAHATA HAI ,searching for his true love ,jo kabhi nahi mila bas kicks milti thi (i know he would kill me after reading this) i share a special kind of chemistry with him , we have talked all sort of crap from champions league football to girls in the bus to kill two hours from college to delhi ,though he ditched me in the 3rd year by opting for a hostel in the college ,but still he will always reamain part of the 392 gang ,bcoz more often than not he was at his home rather than his hostel room ,and i must warn you dont go by his bholi suraaaat itna seedha nahi hai jitna dikhta hai ,though he is the most good looking guy ,and girls had an instant crush on him ,while seeing him play football ,par afsos ye un sabka crush hi tha aaage kuch nahi hua (heheheh)........BJ i will never ever forget you (and tu bhi kabhi bhoolne ki koshish mat kariyo mujhe nahi to ????)

DAMAN-----and here comes the description of yours truly ,i have just one word for my self "frustrated",my friends relate me with AKSHAYE KHAANA of DIL CHAHATA HAI (ya i know mai itna accha nahi hoon dikhne mei ,and na hi koi dimple kapadia thi meri life mei),but i was serious kind ,always observing and cribbing in front of my friends about IIT ,the institute where i always wanted to be ,god knows how my friends coped up with me during the past four years ,kafffi patience hai unmei and i wouldn't like to add much about myself (comments hi padh lena about me)

SIDDHARTHA ---actually i don't have a dictionary with me to describe about him because thats what you need ,and his blog is a testimony to this statement , i would describe him as a complete music freak ,existentialist the most happening dude of our gang ,this guy was born to be a manager and he's almost half way there ,unlike me he has set goals in mind and achieves them ruthlessly, though i came close to him during the last few semesters but still i have lot of good memories to take with me about him......he rocksssssss

haaaan i remember that there is guest appearance to follow ,and its no ordinary guest appearance ,its a special one ...........................................

ye guest appearance mei prastoot karta hoon our very own RAGHAV .just one word describes him BINDAAAS ,though sometimes he can become a little bit senti ,please beware about this trait,though he traveled in the bus for only one semester but still he is part of the gang ,we will never forget his VATANAKULIT CAR trips from the college to our homes (sometimes we all became lucky ,that we did not have to spend 2 hrs in the bus journey),one incident that i will never forget is when he slept for the whole bus journey and landed up at the last stop ( sone ki isse kaffi bimaari hai) ,and if you ever get on phone with him,then surely your one hour is gone ,timepass karne ki to aadat hai na isse ,and its beacause of him that i have got into this bad habit of long and endless phone conversations with others (i would never forgive him for this).........JAI HARYANA RAGHOOJI

So this was about my friends ,with whom i have spent my precious four years of life in the times of happiness and sorrow ,and these are the memories i shall always carry forward with me ,wherever i go MAIN JAHAN RAHOON YE YAAAAD SAATH HAI ,though now being in IIT i dont have to spend those 4 hours on the daily bus journey but i miss it everyday ,and just wish those times come back again (though i know its not possible) ,whenever i board a DTC bus in delhi , i just hope to see all my friends sitting there and chirping and chatting about any absurd topic we all used to do ,but then i soon realize that time has moved on ,we are all at different phases of our life and we may probably never be together again (though i pray ek baar to sab mil lein.....)

PS:Last heard the DTC bus no 392 had stopped plying between delhi and noida due to some dispute ,may be this bus was waiting for our last journey together to come to an end!!!!!!!

HAPPYNESS yes it's with a "Y"

This is not a movie review of the "pursuit of my happyness" because almost everyone has heard about how well the movie is,but its a blatant admission of a relationship that i wasn't able to build with my father .This movie taught me what a father son relationship should be like , not what i had with my dad.

In the movie the protagonist played by will smith does every thing to protect his son ,he teaches him what life is all about ,i can still can weirdly remember the lines that he said to his son "they say you cannot do this because they were not able to do it themselves." My father also tried to give me some "gyaan" on what life is all about but then i never listened to him because i thought i could do better than him,though i do realize now that his achievements far outweigh mine because the resources that i was provided with by my father were not with him.

The reason for the the so called rift with my father was the "JEE" exam .Though he knew that i could clear the exam but he was always apprehensive because of the sheer competition ,during 2002 one had a 1 in 45 chance to clear the exam for the coveted seat at iit's ,but i had that stubbornness thats it's got to be IIT nad nothing else ,so i did not fill any other forms (except my ug college form that too after a long fight).As destiny went i wasn't able to make it to iit ,so had the choice whether to drop a year and prepare again or to join another college .i was always against the former but after a long argument with my father i had to join another college ,but contrary to his thinking i studied for JEE during my first year ,which he never liked .There was a feeling inside me to prove my father wrong ( now i realize that i was wrong ) ,he did not sign on my JEE application form so i had to forge his signature which i admit here.I did not attend even 15 days of my college in my second semester which always let to a lot of arguments between us.i did not clear jee gain and flunked my second semester in the college (failed in all papers because of short attendance) ,this did shatter him completely because this was never expected from me ,i was indifferent to the feelings of my family.He did not talk to me for a month after this debacle so did not i ( well i was freaked out ) but the differences rose more when i decided to give jee in my second year also (now i was reallllly mad) so we had no interaction for that one year, though i attended my college regularly.

This film has taught me that a father always cares about his son ,which he always did but i never bothered to appreciate it .i could not talk straight with him during those crucial years which are important, i was a bit selfish always wanting to prove him wrong ,be better than him and show him i am more capable than him .Now i realize that i missed the happyness in my life for those four years just because i was stubborn wanting to prove things which i realize are not important any more ,you do not have to show other people that you are good ,because whats more important is to be good son ,which i have not been.

After the film i did call up my dad and said i was sorry,though i accept it cannot cover all the disappointments that i have given him during his life ,in spite of all his best efforts but this is the least that i could have done .I am aware that i cannot bring back the time i have lost with my father but from now onwards i would be more frank with him,talk openly to sort out my differences ,i will try to be a GOOD SON!!!

Arre!!! Bhai It's just a game

So India lost to Bangladesh in their first world cup match and everyone has started saying the "the dream is over", "call back this team", "sehwag should be thrown out" and lots of blaaah blaaah ,and they have all started with their favourite passtime of bashing indian players,burning their effigies ,tearing their posters to vent out their anger after the defeat to so called minnows of world cricket ,Bangladesh (but are they really minnows??? one should ask themselves)

Agreed that India played miserably ,seemed low on confidence ,seemed afraid,lacked the team spirit and our fame batsmen were more like tigers in the cages than in a jungle ,but then why are we blaming our team only ,no one is looking at how well bangladesh have played ,they bowled and batted out of their skins,were like cheetahs on the filed showed no fear to the so called Indian pace battery (someone forgot how the young kid ,barely 18 stepped and hit zaheer khan out of the park),and to be fair the tag of minnows does not suit them now.the alarm bells should have really been sounded when they defeated newzeland in the pre world cup warm up game.

Now the reaction of our public has been more disappointing than the loss itself ,in our country where we live ,eat and sleep cricket and where everyone is an expert on cricket (arre ye dravid ko to kaptani chor deni chahiya,sachin mein wo baat nahi rahi ,sehwag to shaadi ke baad nikamma ho gaya hain) are some of the chats one hears on our roads,buses and households.most of our fans do understand that the game is not easy ,and defeats are part of any sport.

This picture can best sum up the mood of an 11 year old boy, after the disappointment on the Sunday morning after the match because he was let down by his hero's ,but he wont go back to his home and burn his bat and cricket kit ,but he will take his practice kit and run to his practice grounds to bat like sachin ,bowl like kapil and filed like yuvraj ,it was amazing to see young kids back on ground after sleeping in the wee hours and the disappointment of india's loss. it is what our fans do best they play and follow the game hard because they dream of representing one's country on the world stage ,they have the passion and accept defeat (u can't win every day),they rise up from it and achieve their goals (and i can wow for that)


Now come the so called fraction ,which we see on televisions after every defeat ,busy in vandalizing property ,burning cars and posters to vent out their anger.

so what they want to prove??? ,that they are the only one concerned about the cricket in india ,they have taken the responsibility on their shoulders to make players realize that they are not doing the job ,or that they are better than our selectors and administrators and can manage cricket better than them ,in short their only objective is to get into the limelight ,and media does a fantastic job in promoting them because our so called 24 hour news channels want the masala for their daily pro grammes because they have nothing better to show (when was the last time u saw a documentary aon aaj tak and star news ???,please remind me of one)


I agree that players might not preform well on days ,but then is everyone perfect?? is my question to them ,they are humans which are bound to fail ,even the invincible aussies lost five ODI's in a row ,they lost ashes to england but then they were ever more determined to win them back (they plummered the poms in this ashes),so our players are professionals and they know thei job better ,they are not really here to make money as people thing they have the passion ,tell me one individual who will devote his 18 prime years ,sweat and toil for the country that tendulkar has ,agreed he earns money,but why dont we question individuals like us from iit's and iim's who earn great pay packets after the subsidised education which all taxpayers pay for .

The last bit of thing i would want to add is about the so called "cricket experts" that news channels have roped in be it saba karim and company and the 83 world cup team which seams in great demand every world cup ,they might have won the cup but this team has better players than that team if we compare man with man ,just playing well for that one month does not give them the license to bash the team again and again ,players like yashpal sharma before rubbishing current player should look at their records.

so i would like to sum up by saying that we should have faith in our players ,they are as much passionate as we are and they also don't like loosing and playing badly and we should treat cricket as a game and not anything else and remember that everyone of us can fail ,and this hoopla over the world cup has raised our expectations too much ,i think none of us would like to see pictures of the policemen standing in front of cricketers house to protect their family ,if they can sacrifice nad play for us then we should also pay our regards bu not vandalizing their homes ,what's the fault of their families??

so we must remember CRICKET IS A GAME