Motivation .........

Last week a friend of mine had a problem she wasn't able to motivate herself to study for her entrance exams ,and she wanted to know how do I motivate myself and i jokingly said to her "I was motivated by seeing the building of my undergraduate college ",i said it in jovial moos but then i realized it was actually true .

So how does one get motivated ???? well going by my experiences you get motivated by the things you love most or the things you hate most ,but in my case it was a combination of both .some say they get motivated by seeing their peers achievement ,their brothers and relatives....,some people have told me they get motivated for money (it's quite difficult though),some get motivated by seeing the stories of the brave one's in news and newspapers ,but the one thing you get motivated is the one which you put in tour heart and soul and never achieve it.

Coming back to my so called motivation story , i was most of all motivated by the place in which spent four years of my life ,constantly dragging my body every morning to that two hour bus journey to reach a place which was like a jail or kind of torture for me ,as soon as the DTC bus crossed the noida toll bridge a sense of disappointment was engraved in my place , i started to wonder "why am i going there?" ,"what wrong did i do those 9 hours of my JEE exam?" or perhaps "was i wrong to dream of IIT sitting in my DCE exams" and i screwed up that paper what ever it was ,these thoughts constantly crossed my mind while the bus crossed the bridge over the "nala" what we all know as the yamuna river ,it was quite a culture shock seeing noida in the first place i mean leave alone the hype of a few well built sectors that place was like going to a desert where houses have been stacked upon each other like matchboxes put on top of each other ,and when i could see the red brick building of my college through the bus window ,i said to my self "the hell is about to begin" ,well it started at 9 in the morning and went on till 5 in the evening ,entering that main gate i felt some one was pushing myself ,i never wanted to cross that line and enter the college ,but still i did perhaps to see my name on the notice board ,people knew me very well because of it .Either i was on the list of short attendance ,as they loved to put my name there or on the list showing the papers i had flunked in my second semester ,whatever all the faculty knew me by these traits ,perhaps this was my identity in their mind "A Boy who is always lost in his thoughts ,day dreaming and what not",but seriously speaking that place made me learn a lesson "you have to fight it out to reach your dream" and it made me more mellow,and practical in life .All i can say that it inspired me me get out of that place and showing that i wasn't day dreaming all the time ,and i had achieved something .

Returning back from college ,as soon as the bus entered Delhi a sense of relief was there in my mind ,that i am finally back from the jail though for only to return next day ,and as soon the bus reached my stop on the ring road of Delhi a big direction sign showed "IIT" ,perhaps it was the sign that made me live through those four years ,it was the thing i loved most,my parents thought i was nut about it , it was sheer madness but they could not take away a dream that i had ,seeing the main gate of IIT Delhi ,i felt happy there have been times when i had gone inside the campus for no reasons at all just to charge myself ,to get my self motivated and to bring an a realization that i have to work damn hard to be at this place ,just to see that place i changed my journey maps ,took buses that would pass in front of it although the time of my journey increased ,i know people say IIT isn't the everything but then those who are inside them don't realize that their's avast difference between the standards offered by them and other colleges ,hope our government does something to it ,they decided to give more autonomy to private institutions so that they increased their level barring a few ones rest of all have become a place where they train you for four years so that they serve as mass recruitment centers to hire software coolies for our so called "BIG IT" companies that call themselves as product development centers but they are nothing more than a place where people fake their accents to satisfy their so called clients in US , to tweak a banking software to fit into another bank .

Motivation is one thing that comes from within it can't be taught and not be given .if you dream big and then you have to prove yourself a few sacrifices here and there can help you achieve your happiness and your dream!

EXPECTATIONS !!is there a end i wonder

So here i am back after i puked out all my frustrations in my previous post,and got an honest opinion from many of my class mates about it ,though i never expected it seriously but at least i was able to put forward my opinions in front of my "so called" and true friends ,had a lot of arguments with a few people ,but it helped me to clear my stand in front of them ,what i truly feel about them .i could no longer live a life of being a hypocrite being sweet in front of them and lambasting them on their backs........anyways enough about the sad things there's some good news to give

It's result season and IIT JEE results are out (i know all of my readers had enough of it ),but there's a slight change in the script this time ,i did not give the exam (yee being 23 it would be shameful) but my sis did give it and she cleared it ,yesss yessss finally she was able to achieve a good rank in her first attempt ,that i could not in my three attempts ,and i was more happy than her for obvious reasons ,but then a feeling of guilt did strike me ,why the hell i was realizing my dream through her ,what right did i have to virtually force her to give JEE when she was more interested in pursuing a career in medicine ,it all boils down to the word EXPECTATION.

I did promise myself that i would never be like the whole world ,trying to follow the herd in her case ,as i did in my case , i would try to be rational but ultimately i did follow the flock in a blind manner .perhaps it's to do with the experiences i had in my life that are to be blamed ,in my school days in class XI an XII my mom expected me to be in iit ,pursuing my bachelors a dream which i never fulfill (though i hope a masters and doctorate from IIT will some what cover up for it).coming to a wider point of view ,there have been instances when people have landed up at the wrong place because they had to fulfill someone's expectations and ultimately they ruined there life for good, what i have realized in a short span of time is that the more you achieve more the expectations of people rise and its pretty hard to fulfill them .it's like climbing a ladder where one reaches at the top and suddenly asks himself "why the hell i am here??",we all decide to be in iit's iim's because the picture is rosy ,media hypes them and we try to prove that we are the best ,its about what others thing about ourselves ,we need to build an aura of invincibility around ourselves but soon many of us realize it wasn't the the smartest move we ever made ,for instance studying computer science is not all about making those beautiful power point presentations or that flashy graphics.

It's because of these expectations from others that we change our lifestyle,our thinking and what not,perhaps the best thing is to follow one's heart and not one's mind beacuse heart is correct in 99 out of 100 cases in life .if you aren't happy with what you are doing ,no amount of money can make you think that you are happy (i know many will argue that money is everything in life ,but surely it isn't) ,if you believe you can fulfill your dream then go for it ,even if one fails the experiences will make him a better person in life ,for instance i did prepare for JEE in my college first year and now i am bearing the fruits as that preparation helped me to improve my analytical skills immensely,so don't always try to fulfill expectations of the whole world ,because more than ninety nine percent of individuals aren't as intelligent as you are.

AND finally i did dump away my JEE admit cards of three years and those counseling letters from IIT after five years after my sis's JEE result because a dream is fulfilled (ohhh wait i again started to realize my dream through her ,kya karoooon i am like another human being )

I CAN'T HELP IT!!!!!!!!!! though changes are for good , I AM TRYYYYYYYIIING .......

GOOD FOR NOTHING----Haven't i heard it before

There have been a series of posts which i have written during the wee hours of the morning ,to take out my my anger and frustration,but ultimately i deleted them because i thought it will not be "politically correct" to express my views in this manner,as it will be considered as a timid act ,an action which will show that i am afraid to come out in open and speak in front of everyone ,but whatever everyone else says i am going ahead with this post .

Last week when i saw a documentary of lance Armstrong on TV ,there was an advertisement which answered his critics who have lambasted him over the years over the dope allegations ,that ad had just one answer to the question "What am i on???" and the response was "I am on my bike" ,and it was a fitting reply to his critics ,well i have heard some pretty good one liners against me "you re good for nothing" ,"you take life as a joke" ,"tumhara kuch nahi ho sakta " and the list can go on an on...........................................................,these are the challenges i have faced over a short span of my life .

Life is a constant struggle for as long as we keep battling forces that can be overcome with enough effort and resolve. But when you are brought down to your knees and kept there by a giant invisible hand that is simply impossible to throw off, you can finally give up. I keep imagining being beaten by Fate so roundly that I can then guiltlessly give up the Sisyphean struggle I go through all day, all week, all year. Every time I face a problem that looks as though it might just be too big for me, I come across a new one that makes the first one pale in comparison. But the day I allow myself to finally, absolutely give up on life, the future will cease to matter,so why not better fight them and prove that I AM GOOD.

Here i would like to mention a special note of thanks to my Under graduate college ,which frustrated me so much that it ultimately inspired me to achieve big ,and put a lid on mouth of people who had lambasted me disgraced me over the years ,one of the instance which i still remember was a teacher (i wouldn't like to take the name and spoil my blog) telling me after hearing my GATE score and rank

"It's no Big deal clearing GATE"

Yeaaaah sure it isn't a big deal getting a percentile in the top 99 ,it isn't a big deal undersatnding the complexity of algorithms,learning about P vs NP itssss too easy for him ,bcoz his so called favorite students never even had the courage to sit for the exam let alone clear it .........is some one listening???

Then i was told that i was mad about JEE (i gave it twice in my college) because i wanted a thappa or a mark ,but IIT's are much beyond a simple thappa in the life ,here you learn teachers don't shy away from teaching complexities of algorithms and not teaching how to dream in class ,you get to study the mathematics behind the graphic algorithms and not flying a bird ,drawing a tree (i guess there are enough graphic designers for this stuffff)

How can i forget about the so called future wanna be facchas preparing for cat ,and showing off to the world that they are preparing for it (some of them started from the first year itself) with goal IIMA , i wasn't against them but then you dont have to take your books in the lecture classes and show that you are preparing for cat (it is ridiculous) ,so coming to the cat story one needs to understand that only speaking english in a foreign accent does not make you a good manager ,there's DI and MATHS that you need to crack and you have to work for it ,it's no styyloooo lingo that will help here and there were certain individuals which i genuinely though would make it to the IIM's ,but as the fate decided i made it ,though i gave the boot to IIMK ,because i could afford to do soooo

I would not say that i haven't committed mistakes in life ,my flunking the second semester ,will still haunt me in my life , because i made my parents cry ,left myself disappointed but what i wanted to convey is that one should never judge a book by it's cover because unless and until you see what's inside it ,you would never come to know the true contents inside it ,so please stop forming opinions about individuals ,lambasting them ,disgracing them because there are comebacks in life ,and why always follow conventional ways to success when there are alternative ones and i am of the opinion that "when people say you can't do it,it's because they are not able to do it" so follow your heart and finally show that "WE ARE GOOOD FOR SOMETHING".

There have been a lot of individuals which have hurt me by their comments ,and many which became my friends after having achieved something in life (you are able to distinguish between true and fake friends in this scenario),told me my life is doomed an what not but in the end i am having the last laugh and not they ,and that's what is important.

HAPPYNESS yes it's with a "Y"

This is not a movie review of the "pursuit of my happyness" because almost everyone has heard about how well the movie is,but its a blatant admission of a relationship that i wasn't able to build with my father .This movie taught me what a father son relationship should be like , not what i had with my dad.

In the movie the protagonist played by will smith does every thing to protect his son ,he teaches him what life is all about ,i can still can weirdly remember the lines that he said to his son "they say you cannot do this because they were not able to do it themselves." My father also tried to give me some "gyaan" on what life is all about but then i never listened to him because i thought i could do better than him,though i do realize now that his achievements far outweigh mine because the resources that i was provided with by my father were not with him.

The reason for the the so called rift with my father was the "JEE" exam .Though he knew that i could clear the exam but he was always apprehensive because of the sheer competition ,during 2002 one had a 1 in 45 chance to clear the exam for the coveted seat at iit's ,but i had that stubbornness thats it's got to be IIT nad nothing else ,so i did not fill any other forms (except my ug college form that too after a long fight).As destiny went i wasn't able to make it to iit ,so had the choice whether to drop a year and prepare again or to join another college .i was always against the former but after a long argument with my father i had to join another college ,but contrary to his thinking i studied for JEE during my first year ,which he never liked .There was a feeling inside me to prove my father wrong ( now i realize that i was wrong ) ,he did not sign on my JEE application form so i had to forge his signature which i admit here.I did not attend even 15 days of my college in my second semester which always let to a lot of arguments between us.i did not clear jee gain and flunked my second semester in the college (failed in all papers because of short attendance) ,this did shatter him completely because this was never expected from me ,i was indifferent to the feelings of my family.He did not talk to me for a month after this debacle so did not i ( well i was freaked out ) but the differences rose more when i decided to give jee in my second year also (now i was reallllly mad) so we had no interaction for that one year, though i attended my college regularly.

This film has taught me that a father always cares about his son ,which he always did but i never bothered to appreciate it .i could not talk straight with him during those crucial years which are important, i was a bit selfish always wanting to prove him wrong ,be better than him and show him i am more capable than him .Now i realize that i missed the happyness in my life for those four years just because i was stubborn wanting to prove things which i realize are not important any more ,you do not have to show other people that you are good ,because whats more important is to be good son ,which i have not been.

After the film i did call up my dad and said i was sorry,though i accept it cannot cover all the disappointments that i have given him during his life ,in spite of all his best efforts but this is the least that i could have done .I am aware that i cannot bring back the time i have lost with my father but from now onwards i would be more frank with him,talk openly to sort out my differences ,i will try to be a GOOD SON!!!